Man’s Greatest Invention Is the Cowboy Hat

 

Songwriter’s Notes

Cowboy Hat: The World Problem Solver

1. China – No Cowboy Hats, Just Communism
   Look at China, no cowboy hats, just a totalitarian government. Coincidence? I think not! They’re too busy censoring the internet and pretending jeans aren’t a thing to appreciate the freedom of a 10-gallon hat.
2. Africa – Hats Could Solve Famine and Chaos
   Africa? No cowboy hats, just unpredictable weather, disease, chaos, and famine. They could probably use a cowboy to rope in all those problems. Just give ’em a hat and watch the famine disappear!
3. Europe – Cowboy Hats vs EU Regulations
   Europe’s problem isn’t Brexit or EU regulations. No, the real issue? A severe lack of cowboy hats. Farmers would be too busy tipping their hats to protest!
4. Russia – Putin’s Cowboy Hat Drought
   You ever see Putin in a cowboy hat? No? That’s why Russia’s out here starting wars. If they had hats, they’d be too busy wrangling bears to invade anyone.
5. Middle East – No Hats, Too Many Explosions
   The Middle East is full of conflict, oil, and a shocking shortage of cowboy hats. They need hats to cool down all that heat and tension. A cowboy hat could solve terrorism—cowboys and terrorists don’t mix.
6. North Korea – No Hats, No Fun
   North Korea? No hats, no fun, and no freedom. Kim Jong Un would probably smile more if he had a nice Stetson. He wouldn’t even have to fire off missiles if he had a good ol’ hat to tip.
7. South America – No Hats, Lots of Revolutions
   Why is South America always having revolutions? No cowboy hats! The people need something to rally around. You throw a cowboy hat on that situation, and suddenly everyone’s just chillin’ with their cattle.
8. India – No Cowboy Hats, Too Many Monsoons
   India has no cowboy hats, and they’re getting hit with monsoons every year. You think those monsoons are going to mess with someone wearing a brim that wide? No way!
9. Europe’s Royals – No Hats, Just Fancy Crowns
   Royal families in Europe have crowns, but no cowboy hats. And look at them, they’re always under scrutiny. Imagine if Queen Elizabeth had been in a Stetson—no one’s gonna mess with you when you look like you just stepped off the range.
10. Middle East – More Veils, Less Cowboy Hats
    In the Middle East, they’ve got veils and turbans, but no cowboy hats. You never hear about cowboy hat-wearing terrorists, do you? There’s something about a hat that says, “I’m not here to blow anything up, I’m here to wrangle this cattle.”
11. Antarctica – No Cowboy Hats, Just Cold Penguins
    Antarctica has penguins, ice, and not a single cowboy hat in sight. Coincidence? Absolutely not. Give a penguin a cowboy hat, and suddenly it’s too busy line dancing to care about the cold.
12. Japan – High Tech, No Hats
    Japan’s got robots and bullet trains, but do they have cowboy hats? No! They’re missing the true mark of progress. You can invent a robot, but until that robot tips its cowboy hat, you haven’t done anything revolutionary.
13. France – Berets Over Cowboy Hats
    France has berets instead of cowboy hats, and that’s why they’re always surrendering in wars. You put a cowboy hat on Napoleon, and Waterloo might’ve gone a little differently.
14. Scotland – No Hats, Just Kilts
    In Scotland, they’ve got kilts and bagpipes, but no cowboy hats. The only thing more intimidating than a guy in a kilt playing a bagpipe? A guy in a kilt playing a bagpipe in a cowboy hat.
15. Western USA – Hats and Harmony
    Meanwhile, in the Western USA, we’ve got hats, guns, God, and farms. And look, no tyrants here. Coincidence? I think hats scare away dictators. There’s a reason every cowboy town is calm until someone loses their hat.

Chorus

“I think hats scare away tyrants…”